Out to Lunch

Today, I sat to type and had not a thing to write.
I felt useless, like I wasn’t earning my keep. I
got up, did the dishes for my wife, and went out
for a walk.

The village was deserted, no cars, pedestrians,
birds, nor stray cats. I felt like the only
sentient being left on Earth. I was going to
indulge in a philosophical funk, when I heard a
deep humming above my head. I looked up and saw
a flying saucer descending. Colored lights flashed
on its side. I almost fell on my knees with
veneration as I read the message they formed: “All
is consciousness.”

The craft landed. A door opened. Two aliens
approached me. I ogled at the oddest things I have
ever seen: Their bodies looked like black
jumbo-sized garbage bags stuffed to the brim. They
walked on stubby bright yellow legs, and one had
its toenails painted red. I figured that was the
girl. I detected no eyes, nose, nor ears but they
had large mouths full of teeth that could put
a shark to shame.

“What do you have good to eat?” said the male with
a voice that sounded like the rumblings elephants
make to be heard miles away.

I was taken aback by such a greeting, yet surprised
he spoke perfect English. Well, better than mine.

“What planet do you come from?”

“We don’t come from a planet. We live inside a
black hole.”

“I thought that nothing could live inside a black
hole.”

“Exactly. We are that nothing that lives there.
What do you have good to eat?”

“Nothing, I’m on my way to the grocery store to
buy lunch.”

“No, he meant what parts of your body are most
delicious,” she said with a voice as high as a
cat’s screech.

“Well, I honestly don’t know, I’m not a cannibal.
But say, don’t tell me, that you eat people.”

“No, we haven’t, yet. You are going to be our
first one,” she said.

“That’s preposterous! How can such advanced
beings like you, eat an intelligent life form
like me?” They laughed. It sounded like whales
farting.

“He thinks he’s intelligent. What a joke,” she
said.

“It’s natural, they are the craftiest predators
on this planet, and they haven’t left this solar
system yet. Listen, my good man, your kind eats
pigs that are by comparison to you more intelligent
than you are to us. Think of your great luck, your
place in history as being the first human to be
eaten by an extraterrestrial. Besides, you’re a
nondualist. Don’t you believe that all is One. All
is consciousness. Surely, you understand that no
one would be eating you. Consciousness would be
savoring itself. That’s all.”

“Philosophically speaking, that is correct, but I’d
be dead all the same.”

“Death is a small price to pay to enter galactic
history. We are on a gourmet tour of the galaxy. So
be a sport, and don’t spoil our fun,” he said.

“Well, that’s exactly it. I don’t want to spoil your
fun. You’re, after all, my first guests from outer
space. I’m old, you see. Animals taste best when
young. Preferably, before puberty. You should eat a
child. My species finds that suckling pigs have the
best tasting meat, so maybe you should eat a baby
instead of me. My meat is tough and gamey, and fatty
too.”

“OK! Thanks for the tip, and keep up the good work
on the net. Nothing ever happened! All is One!” he
said.

In two shakes of a lamb’s tail they were gone.

Mothers, lockup your babies. Nothing is out to lunch!

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