A Modern Philanthropist

I confess I’m a failure. When I tried to save the country, I ruined it.
No, I am not the President, I’m Reginald Rich III. Like many heirs
of great fortunes, I was raised to worship the ideal of service. So
when confronted with my middle age crisis, I didn’t turn to fast
cars, or expensive women. I already had too many of both. I took
refuge in service to country.

Although my decision was firm, I had no idea how, or who to serve.
I wanted not only to aid, but to fill a real void, to help a segment
of the population that no one ever serviced before. I found that
no easy task.

The poor were already being aided by numerous charity groups.
There was a foundation for every known disease. You might be
unaware of this, but there is a foundation devoted to finding a
cure for intestinal gas. I thought of helping the rich, but the
government was already doing that. Religion fought tireslessly
for the unwanted unborn. To what end, I don’t know. If your
own mother doesn’t want you, maybe there is a good reason
for you not to be born. Anyway, I had no idea who to help. So
I sent a letter to every citizen asking, who should I help?

The response was almost unanimous: “Help me!”

I was awe struck by the national wisdom. Of course, the
country was not the land, the flag, nor the government. The
country was its people. The people made of individuals
me(s). So it was logical that I should devote my life to
helping me. And who was closer and easier to help than
myself? No one.

So I decided to become a hedonist. Pleasuring myself would
become my service to our country. Now, you might think,
that doing this is a piece of cake when one is filthy rich. But
it’s the hardest thing on Earth. A need or wish ends in
pleasure when fully satisfied, but that pleasure doesn’t last.
Imagine having an orgasm at the first touch. What fun would
that be? How long does a new car stay new? Especially, when
so many assholes, seem to be looking for new cars to dent.

This idea that to prolong pleasure one must postpone its
fulfillment hit me like a divine revelation. This idea seemed so
simple and revolutionary that I thought sharing it with the
country would be my service to mankind. I bought ads on all
major networks, cable, and newspapers exhorting the
population to treasure their desires and postpone satisfaction.
Only in doing this, lay lasting happiness .

Well, the best and the worst, happened at once. Millions saw
the wisdom of my words, and the economy crashed when
sales sharply declined. The unemployment lines went around
the block. People hated me, threatened my life, and I fled to
Canada.

What can I say? Except, think twice before you decide to help.