Osho Chat

The Osho Chat.
By Pete

Author’s note:
It’s not my intention
to discredit Osho’s
teachings. This is
just a way to poke fun
at the corrosive adoration
seekers lavish on gurus.

Osho approached me with a waddle. He had grown fatter
after his death. How was that possible? I knew corpses
get bloated, so maybe souls got that way too, especially
those who had led an indulgent lifestyle. I had a problem
with this idea, I don’t believe in souls. But although, I
have no beliefs, that has never stopped me from indulging
in fancy theories just to amuse myself.

He sat on the flat rock the samurai had used to meditate.
Osho regarded me with his bulging eyes, a scornful grin on
his face. “You are not getting any younger, Seesaw. Matter of
fact, you look downright decrepit.”

“You’re not looking so hot yourself, Rajneesh.”

“I have a good excuse, I’m dead. What’s yours?”

“Good looks were never my forte, Rajneesh.”

“What’s your forte?”

“Perseverance.”

“Ah, yes! That can compensate for a lot of shortcomings? lack
of beauty, luck, brains, you name it. You are fortunate in your
misfortune. Are you enlightened yet, Seesaw?” He asked with an
impish smile.

“Can’t say. Are you?”

“Oh yeah, I got mine in the nick of time, right before I died.”

“You mean you faked it all those years?”

“Not really. I had my insights, kenshos etc. I got by quite nicely,
thank you. But it wasn’t the real thing.”

“How could you have fooled so many people for such a long time?”

He made a dismissive gesture. “I fooled no one, they fooled me.
My admirers convinced me I was enlightened. They forced that
label on me. Flattery is the hardest thing to resist, Seesaw.”

“I sympathize! It must’ve been terrible! Imagine being forced to
accept all those Mercedes, not to mention the sex.”

“Rolls Royces. Krishnamurti, was the one with the thing for
Mercedes,” he corrected.

“Oh! Right.”

“Laugh if you want, but I was very happy being a university
professor. That was my true calling. That, and writing books.”

“Your books were quite impressive. I read a few myself.”

He flashed a modest smile and moved his head sideways in the
Indian manner. “Did they help you, Seesaw?”

“I believe they did. How can one be sure?”

“Which one was your favorite?”

” ` My Way: the way of the white clouds.’ ”

“Yes, that one was my favorite too.” he said with dreamy eyes.
“Did you believe I was enlightened?”

“Yes, I did, until I learned about the pocket flashlight trick.”

He laughed. His large frame shook with mirth as he slapped his
thighs. “Oh my! That was a good one! It was my way to get even,
to insult those that kept me captive in that ridiculous role of Guru.”

“Did anyone ever call you on that one?”

“No. They love it. They closed their eyes, glowed with ecstasy,
some even fainted. I had a hard time keeping a straight face.
But the trick backfired on me. Afer that worked, I knew I could
get away with anything. People are so gullible, so eager to be
led, and to idolize a leader. Little by little I lost all sense of
what was right or wrong. I became a tyrant. It almost landed
me in jail, as you know.”

“So, a little flashlight caused your downfall?”

“In a way. I still have it.” He took it out of his pocket. “Want to
hold it?”

“No thanks. Flashlights do nothing for me.”

“It belonged to a CIA agent. If you press here, it fires a
poisoned dart. He came to kill me, but became my devotee.”

“Really! I said feigning surprise. “I heard they were the
ones who killed you.”

“No! That was a rumor spread by my disciples, I died
from a heart attack.”

“So you had your `enlightenment thing’ just prior to the heart
attack, then?”

“No, I became enlightened while having the heart attack.”

“Remarkable! Tell me about it.”

“I woke up in the middle of the night with a dull throbbing pain
in my right shoulder. My arm felt numb. I shifted my position,
and massaged my arm, but the pain got worse. It became harder
to breath. It was then, it occurred to me, I might be dying. To my
surprise, I noticed there wasn’t any fear. An intense awareness
descended. It was observing my symptoms with great curiosity
as if they were happening to someone else. This awareness was
filled with exquisite delight, Seesaw. And it was watching me die
as if I were a bug. This shocked me , and in that shock it dawned
on my brain that there was no ‘me’ dying , only this awareness
existed, and it couldn’t die. Does it make any sense to you?”

“Yes it does. But was that it.? That was your great awakening?”

” There was more to it, but it can’t be put into words.”

“You `realized ones’ are all the same, with that `it can’t be put
into words’ bullshit, Rajneesh.”

He pointed the flashlight at me. “Now, my name is Osho! If you
call me Rajneesh one more time, I’m going to shoot a poisoned
dart into your ugly mug.” He yelled.

“Boy! You Heavenly beings are a violent bunch. Don’t you guys
have fun around here?”

He smiled a mischievous grin, “We enjoy talking to you, Seesaw.”

“No, I mean what do you do for fun when I’m not here?”

“When you are not here, we are not here, either.”

“What do you mean?”

“You figure it out, ” He said and vanished.